COMMUNICATION: It’s what you say and how you say it

You may have heard recent news reports and tapes about a woman who lay dying in a hospital emergency room due to negligence on the part of the hospital staff—and apparently everyone else. Not only was the patient ignored as she lay on the floor vomiting blood, but when witnesses tried to get her help outside the ER by calling 911, they were met with the same resistance and indifference. One caller had an especially nasty exchange with a dispatcher when she requested an ambulance be sent to the hospital.

“Okay, you’re at the hospital, m’am. You have to contact them,” the dispatcher said curtly.

“They have—they are the problem. They won’t help her.”

“They’re the medical professionals, okay? You’re already at a hospital. Nine-one-one is used for emergency purposes only.”

“This is an emergency,” insisted the caller.

“It is not an emergency. It is not an emergency, m’am,” snapped the dispatcher.

The woman died of a treatable illness after lying on the floor for 45 minutes unattended.

As horrific as the details surrounding the case sound, I reluctantly admit that I can understand the dilemma the dispatchers faced. The circumstance was extremely unusual. How can 911 operators send an ambulance and EMTs to help a patient already in a hospital? That’s like asking someone to bring sand to a beach.

But the way in which the dispatcher conveyed the message was as reprehensible as the lack of action taken by the hospital. There were at least a dozen different ways he could have made the point without offending the caller and without diminishing the urgency of a life and death situation. Ironically, his tone was curt, harsh, and confrontational while the caller’s was plaintive, sensitive and calm.

One valuable piece of the exchange to all of us is having the benefit of the audio tapes to hear how callous the dispatcher’s remarks were in a dire situation. We could all benefit from hearing ourselves played back when we dialog with others. We should approach our conversations with colleagues, customers, co-workers and community as if they are being recorded. Ask yourself: if I could play back my conversations—especially those that erupted into debates or all-out arguments—how would (did) my tone and words sound?

You’ve probably heard that “it’s not what you say, but how you say it”. I believe it is what you say that matters as much as how you say it. And when faced with communicating with people daily, we should always test our words from the other person’s point of view before they leave our lips. How would we feel if we were on the receiving end of our conversations? Oftentimes, we think that because we wouldn’t be offended by some of the things we say, others won’t either. That’s an unfair assumption. Just because people don’t often balk at you for what you’re saying doesn’t mean they like your tone or your words. In a work environment where you might be the head of a department or the company, it might be difficult to get honest feedback from your direct reports on how they really feel about your communication style. If you’re not sure, a few clues that they don’t appreciate your techniques are:

• People have a passive attitude toward your requests—most likely because they sound more like commands or demands, and people don’t respond well to demands. They may not give you grief over them. They just won’t do them right away or at all.
• People have an assertive attitude that creates a verbal tug of war every time you make a request. You feel like you get push-back often. Although individuals may not mind doing what you ask, they aren’t motivated to act because they don’t like the way you said it.
• You feel like everyone misunderstands you because they get so easily upset by what you say. You evoke tears, blanched faces or red faces from folks. This could be the result of your comments that are laced with criticism. People don’t want to feel like they’re being judged.
• You’ve heard from at least three bold souls that they don’t like the way you talk to them. If at least three different people have said it, you most likely have a communication problem.

So what do you do? Lots of things. Change your tone, take the edge off your voice, soften your approach, lengthen your responses to more than two or three word bursts. Sit down and look the person in the eye. Let them talk and you listen respectfully. Do these things when it comes to how you say it, and you will see a marked difference in the response you get from others.

When it comes to what you say, choose your words carefully before you speak. A thesaurus can be a helpful tool in finding choice words and phrases that can convey a message in myriad ways without hard feelings in the end. Record yourself having a conversation when possible. Listen honestly to it. You might hear yourself differently after a conversation rather than while you’re in it. Speak to be heard, but don’t forget to hear others speak. Mutual respect in conversations lead to more productive communication.