CONFLICT RESOLUTION: Five Steps to Confrontation

Recently, a story made headlines about a 25-year-old man at a western Kentucky manufacturing plant who had a disagreement with his supervisor and killed him. Moreover, he shot and killed three other workers and himself. How could a confrontation about using a cell phone on the job and not wearing safety goggles spiral into a shooting spree? What had driven the young man to a state of mind that said death and murder were the only two options out of a disagreement?

Fortunately, most of us who find ourselves suddenly or constantly at odds with someone else don’t run out, get a gun and open fire on them. Though we can’t be sure that teaching this young man how to handle conflict would have saved him, having managers and supervisors know how to handle conflict with their direct reports could save them—poor production, high turnover, low morale, headaches. Here is a five step model to handle confrontation constructively:

1) Pause before you react. When emotions are high during a disagreement, the first thing we do is to react in kind to the perceived threat confronting us. If angry words are shouted at us, we want to answer back with an equally offensive, angry and vociferous response. If a vulgar gesture is flashed our way, we return it with haste. Even if it’s a calm yet snide remark in passing, we sneer and snap with the best of them. But before we allow ourselves to be lured into the same behavior we despise, we should take a few seconds to pause. In that brief amount of time, we can make a more rational decision about how to react.

I like the analogy of choosing to be a thermostat and not a thermometer. As you know, thermometers rise with the heat of the environment. If you’re in a heated exchange, your reactions may rise with the heat and hostility that’s been created by the opposition. However, if you take the approach of a thermostat, you can choose to cool the environment down when things get too hot.

2) When you pause, take a deep breath. Your heart is racing, your breathing is shallow, you’re getting a little shaky, and the blood has left your brain so you’re not thinking clearly. Reclaim your self-control by not concentrating on the insult that was just hurled or the lie that was just told or the accusation that was just made. Concentrate on you. Think about the best possible response you can give that won’t fuel the fire.

3) Now express yourself. Let the other party know exactly how you feel. Correct any false accusations and misunderstandings. Ignore the insults. Hurling a few yourself might make you feel good for the moment, but the lasting effect is that you’re adding irreparable damage to an already crumbling relationship. On the job, this can prove challenging if the person you’re disagreeing with is a superior or someone you have to work shoulder-to-shoulder with every day.

When expressing yourself, address the issue at hand specifically. Let the other person know how their actions are injuring you and anybody else involved. For example: “I understand you’re upset, and so am I. I’m upset because I don’t appreciate the way you belittle me in front of the rest of the team every time we have a meeting. You did it this morning and in our Monday staff meetings for the past three weeks. It’s embarrassing to me, and others have said they are embarrassed for me every time you do it. It’s killing morale in our department.”

4) Listen intently and without bias to all productive responses. Too often in confrontations, we are so busy thinking about what we’re going to say next that we scan what’s being said. Just like scanning a document, we skim the meat of the response and pick out key words that spark our anger. Usually, these are highly-charged words when we are in an argument or debate, and those are the words that are of least value. Because we tend to respond to the ones that evoke raw emotion, we cut people off before they finish. We have to jump in and defend our position. We are biased. We have predetermined that they are wrong, and our intent is to prove that we are right. We stop taking into consideration the other person’s opinion or position. We look for that aha! moment to tell them that they’re an idiot rather than trying to understand the other person’s perspective.

5) Finally, change the tone by offering a positive solution. That solution could be to agree to work together with your challenger to arrive at an acceptable place for both of you. Say, “We have to work together every day. I’d rather it not be in anger. Let’s look at how we can resolve this so that going forward, we can work together peacefully.”

Consider these steps the next time you find yourself in the midst of a fruitless dialogue that’s only producing hostile feelings. It is okay to confront someone when you oppose their actions. We’ve have to do it in a productive, rational, and constructive way. Conflict is too much a part of our existence to not know how to handle it well. When you act upon it rather than react to it, you can actually elicit an apology rather than anger, and agreement rather than arguments.

For more information on this topic and training in leadership and management skills, contact Betty M. Parker at Sharper4U@sc.rr.com or call 803-622-4511.